quite a nite

So tonite was the day I was lookin' forward to for a while. For like a week and a half. A test out of the way. An essay gone as well.

I started a conversation with Dennis, askin' him to play tennis. It gradually turned into a pretty heated debate (for him at least, I was kinda havin' fun). I defended bush. He hates Bush's guts. He knew a helluva lot more information about past wars and history than I knew. I was all theory. He got ticked that I mainly support Bush cuz Ravi Zacharias (all my info is from one person) supports him. He got fustrated that I didn't do exhaustive research. Lolz. I don't blame him. I trust Ravi with my brain though.

Then I discovered from a source that my English is apparently pretty bad. This came as a shock that hit me dead on since I thought that my English is at least decent. It was humbling though. It was also good that the informant criticized out of love and not out of arrogance. As of this entry, I am consciously tryin' my best to make my English "better". When I read over my own material, I can perfectly understand myself and the thoughts behind the words strung together. For sum reason, it seems that outsiders do not feel the same way. That's weird. It also feels unnatural to type like this in my blog, since I normally just splatter words out with thoughts like a child splattering a sheet of paper from messy finger painting. While this blog's first priority is to contain my own thoughts, I would like the readers who stumble on here to understand what goes on in my mind. I thought that I have improved in the art of articulating complex thought. I guess feedback tells a totally different story. Improving my written communication towards others will help them understand myself better. I guess this more refined English that I am exercising in this entry is more easily processed through the reader's mind. However, I must admit that I am typing at a slower rate, ensuring that intelligibility is present. I also feel as if I am in some form of verbal straightjacket, where my freedom to fool around loosely with words is constricted. I have to admit that I feel more natural rolling words off my tongue without neatly packaging them in a manner that is easily understood for readers.

I feel uncomfortable doing this right now.

One reason that sticks out is that I do not like to dress my sentences with formal attire. I feel uncomfortable fashioning my words with a tuxedo. I understand that in life there are certain occasions that require one to formally spiff oneself such as a wedding, funeral, or high-class social event. This is equated with essays and formal letters in the world of writing. Dressing up my words once in a while for special occasions is not a niusance for me at all. It would be if I were required to do so frequently. Remaining in this analogy, I prefer to fashion my sentences in urban clothing. I like the freedom, casualness, and originality (with respect to conservative fashion) involved in this type of diction. Idiosyncratically, I also enjoy mixing up the two. Apparently, it seems that that type of mis-match does harm for the reader. I feel as if my leisure is employed at the expense of the reader's comprehension. This causes me to presume that I must create a whole new wardrobe because my old, yet comfortable one will fail in the long run. While I commend myself for trying a new form of literary style, feedback suggests that I was quixotic in hoping that my hybrid diction would not take off. This is coupled with my run-on-sentences. While writing for myself can be a legitimate hobby, communication towards outsiders is also equally valuable. Outside evidence suggests that I can only hone one of these two verbal styles. I am beginning to lose hope that I can master the style which binds informal, colloqial, juvenile slang with formal writing. This idealized hodgepodge seems to not mix in reality. At least from the observations of people exposed to it. It seems as if I have to give up one of them. To play Devil's Advocate however, I never really wanted to enroll in a private school which required formal uniforms.

AIYA!!! That took twice as long as I woulda taken if I jes employed my normal hodgepodge language the whole time! Dang you formal literary world!